1 00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,846 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,181 Is violence in movies and sex an TV 3 00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:11,619 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,978 --> 00:00:14,424 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:14,981 --> 00:00:18,224 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,318 --> 00:00:21,492 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,090 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,691 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:29,930 He's a family guy 10 00:00:38,438 --> 00:00:41,749 Wow, congratulations on your grand re-opening, Mort. 11 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,616 Looks like your customers are coming back. 12 00:00:43,843 --> 00:00:46,722 Thanks, Lois. It's good to be up and gouging again. 13 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:49,917 Careful. Watch out there, Brian. Looks like the floor is wet. 14 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,359 Excuse me. I'm kind of in a hurry. 15 00:00:52,519 --> 00:00:53,725 Son of a bitch! 16 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:54,992 Oh, my God! Are you okay? 17 00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:58,399 I'm sorry. I've been a little distracted lately. 18 00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:01,165 I think my wife has been crossing the street with another man. 19 00:01:02,629 --> 00:01:04,233 God, I hope Alan doesn't find out. 20 00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:05,832 Hey, forget that klutz. 21 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:09,804 Hmm. Maybe this one. 22 00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,647 Hey. Looking at you pretty normal, huh? 23 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:14,980 No! 24 00:01:15,475 --> 00:01:17,648 Ah, fudge. Wait, I know! 25 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:24,894 I'll figure this out. The pieces are all there. I'll go home and figure this out. 26 00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:28,923 Ah, cool. Hey, Mort, what's this thing? 27 00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:31,901 Oh, that? That's my "Come in, we're open" sign. 28 00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:33,265 What's that, like an iPad? 29 00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:35,896 - No, it's a sign. - Wish I had one of those. 30 00:01:35,995 --> 00:01:39,272 I've got a whole box of them. Take it. It's yours. No charge. 31 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,141 Typical Jew. 32 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,647 Coming this fall, from the producers of "Gone Baby Gone," 33 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:52,917 comes the riveting sequel, "Gone Severely Disabled Baby Gone." 34 00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:55,559 I promise you, we are going to find your daughter. 35 00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:59,755 Okay, but, you know, do what you can, but seriously, don't, like, kill yourself. 36 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:02,595 Oh, and if you do find her, honk this horn a couple times. 37 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,464 It's the only way to get her to stop biting you. 38 00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:06,264 But again, no rush. 39 00:02:10,930 --> 00:02:12,068 Peter, what are you doing? 40 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,838 I'm just putting up my new sign. 41 00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:15,435 Don't put that thing on our door. 42 00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:17,537 If you want to hang it somewhere, hang it in the basement. 43 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,639 Oh, why? So you can hog it while you're doing laundry? 44 00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:21,912 - No way. - Peter, we're not a business. 45 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,715 - Hey, I saw your sign. So, you're open? - That's right. 46 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,154 - What do you do? - What do you need? 47 00:02:26,246 --> 00:02:27,987 - Milk. - We have milk. 48 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,558 Peter, I told you, I don't like all these strangers walking around in our house. 49 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:41,605 They're not strangers, Lois. They are our valued customers. 50 00:02:41,694 --> 00:02:43,731 And if we don't show them we appreciate their loyalty, 51 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,003 - they're gonna go someplace else. - For what? 52 00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:50,080 Not to alarm anyone, but some guy took me in the closet and tried me on. 53 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,616 She's right, Dad. None of this makes any sense. 54 00:02:52,705 --> 00:02:55,811 Meg, go take your 10. And you may consider this a verbal warning. 55 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,547 Peter, I want these people to leave. 56 00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:58,714 I fit, by the way. 57 00:02:58,811 --> 00:03:01,382 Lois, I'd love nothing more than to sit here and chat with you, 58 00:03:01,481 --> 00:03:02,960 but I have a business to run. 59 00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:04,723 Hi, there. May I help you folks? 60 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,024 Yes, my family and I would like our portrait painted. 61 00:03:07,153 --> 00:03:09,224 Well, you came to the right place. 62 00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:17,466 Looking good. Almost done. 63 00:03:17,730 --> 00:03:19,937 And there. Done. 64 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:23,912 What have you done? 65 00:03:24,003 --> 00:03:25,607 I painted the truth. 66 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,409 I painted my truth. 67 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,487 Give me a spin, sweetie. 68 00:03:33,846 --> 00:03:37,123 What do you think, Mom? Is that the most beautiful bride you've ever seen? 69 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,195 I love it! 70 00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,854 Oh, it's just so much money. 71 00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,329 It's true. It's true. 72 00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:43,594 Take the dress off, sweetheart. Your mother says you can't have it. 73 00:03:43,690 --> 00:03:46,432 Wait, wait, wait a minute. Do you really love it? 74 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,097 I do. It just feels like my wedding dress. 75 00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:51,505 Oh, Mom, she loves it. 76 00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:53,133 Okay. We'll take it. 77 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:56,576 Peter, what is that girl doing in my wedding dress? 78 00:03:56,703 --> 00:03:58,080 She gone? - No. 79 00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:01,048 Okay, well, while I'm down here, let me give you my card. 80 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,548 There you go. 81 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,885 There you go. A half pound of honey maple turkey, sliced thin. 82 00:04:09,015 --> 00:04:11,655 - I wanted a duplicate key made. - You have a good one. 83 00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:13,324 Oh, hey, Joe. What's going on? 84 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,990 Peter, I'm afraid I'm here to shut you down. 85 00:04:16,222 --> 00:04:19,226 You're running an unlicensed business, and that's against the law. 86 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,995 Oh, that is such bullcrap. 87 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,767 Well, you can't fight City Hall. 88 00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,466 Oh, we'll see about that! 89 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,803 City Hall knows karate. 90 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,278 I'm sorry, Peter, but the government makes the rules. 91 00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:32,611 I just enforce them. 92 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,013 I don't believe this, Joe. This is like living in Russia. 93 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,485 I might as well just move there. 94 00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:37,554 You don't want to do that. 95 00:04:37,644 --> 00:04:40,488 It's dark, it's cold, and hooking up is just a crapshoot 96 00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,957 'cause of all the big coats. 97 00:04:42,348 --> 00:04:44,453 All right, drop the coats on three. 98 00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:47,321 One, two, three! 99 00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,728 - Yeah! - Oh... 100 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,573 Hey, you ever accidentally masturbate to young pictures of your mom? 101 00:04:56,663 --> 00:05:00,110 Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just sat down. 102 00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:01,674 Geez, what's your problem, Peter? 103 00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:02,812 I'm sorry, Quagmire. 104 00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,041 I'm still just upset about the damn government 105 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,674 sticking its nose in my business. 106 00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:10,346 I hear you. Wasting our tax dollars on ridiculous causes. 107 00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:11,979 We gotta protect bald eagles? 108 00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,080 Bald eagles should be allowed to make their own decisions! 109 00:05:16,716 --> 00:05:20,254 Honey, I don't care that you're bald. I find you just as attractive. 110 00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:23,960 It's not about you. It's about my confidence as an eagle architect. 111 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:28,228 Just for Eagles will give you thicker, fuller, more natural hair 112 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,274 so you can just focus an eagle stuff 113 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,107 You're an excellent architect. 114 00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,406 Freakin' government. Giving all the good hoses to firemen. 115 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,573 I want them hoses. 116 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:40,912 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. 117 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,247 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 118 00:05:42,408 --> 00:05:45,617 Coming up, autism. Is it real or just another excuse 119 00:05:45,712 --> 00:05:47,749 for kids these days to forget their manners? 120 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,294 But first, thousands are expected for tomorrow's Tea Party rally 121 00:05:51,384 --> 00:05:53,557 celebrating their new Quahog headquarters. 122 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,462 That's right, Joyce. The Tea Party has gained a sizable following 123 00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,093 based on their message of low taxes, limited government, 124 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,901 and happy birthday, Tom... Oh, my God, you guys! 125 00:06:03,429 --> 00:06:06,569 Tea Party, huh? Well, I'd like to be part ofa movement, 126 00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,770 but what movement would want an angry fat guy with a lot of opinions 127 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:10,847 who hates listening? 128 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,039 For more details on the Tea Party platform, 129 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,813 we now go to this totally boss fireworks show. 130 00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:26,026 Oh, my God! That's everything I believe in! 131 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,826 Why are they trying to take that away from us? 132 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:28,898 I hear you. 133 00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:31,025 Well, that's it. I am going down to that rally tomorrow 134 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,070 and I am joining the Tea Party! 135 00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,729 Oh, wait, that's the same time as my men's knitting club, 136 00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:37,466 although they have been really critical lately. 137 00:06:40,133 --> 00:06:42,306 You're still not knitting honestly, Peter. 138 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,975 You're knitting like you want us to like you. It's not coming from inside. 139 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,449 It's very superficial. 140 00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,747 Thank you! You've made my decision easier! 141 00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,651 Yes! That! Knit that! 142 00:06:58,284 --> 00:07:00,230 Good Tea Party morning, everyone! 143 00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:02,765 - Peter, you joined the Tea Party? - That's right, Brian. 144 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:06,064 I finally got something better to do with my Saturdays than sit at the mall 145 00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,765 and watch Japanese girls laugh at normal conversation. 146 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:11,007 So, I drove to work this morning... 147 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:14,472 ...and I had to stop for coffee. 148 00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:18,146 So, there's a Starbucks near my house... 149 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,147 You people are a circus. 150 00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:25,582 Finally, I'm part of a movement of regular people 151 00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:27,089 trying to take back our government. 152 00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,184 Look, the Tea Party isn't the grassroots movement you think it is. 153 00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:32,056 It's actually funded by big business types 154 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:34,062 who are using you to get the government out of their way 155 00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,564 so they can roll over everyone. 156 00:07:35,655 --> 00:07:38,864 Mom held hands with a woman at the gas station this morning. 157 00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,004 Don't know what that means. Just reporting it. 158 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:44,074 All I'm saying is you're being used, and you're too clueless to know it. 159 00:07:44,163 --> 00:07:46,700 Well, you just think you're so superior, don't you? 160 00:07:46,866 --> 00:07:49,142 Like that first creature to walk on dry land. 161 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,346 - Hey, where'd you go? - I went for a jog. 162 00:07:53,439 --> 00:07:54,474 What's a jog? 163 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,611 It's a great way to stay in shape, is what it is. 164 00:07:56,742 --> 00:08:01,748 - Is it like a swim? - No, no, it's nothing like a swim. 165 00:08:05,952 --> 00:08:07,226 Wow, a lot of people here today. 166 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,630 Yeah. Man, I love street fairs. 167 00:08:09,722 --> 00:08:13,670 They got rides, games, and ethnic food cooked horribly by white Americans. 168 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:16,271 Tacos! Hot tacos here! 169 00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:19,639 - Oh, are those tacos? - You better believe they're tacos. 170 00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,009 I love tacos! Especially on a corn tortilla. 171 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,709 Aah! I love tacos on a corn tortilla! 172 00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:31,251 Boy, they're really against socialism. 173 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,915 That's right. The Tea Party is all about self-reliance. 174 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,822 Look, there's even a Tunnel of Self-Love. 175 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,535 Would you like to buy a photo of yourself on the ride, sir? 176 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:47,798 No, I would not. 177 00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:49,405 Welcome, everyone! 178 00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:52,339 It's great to see so many regular people out here. 179 00:08:52,431 --> 00:08:56,345 Folks who are tired of big government and are ready to stand up for their rights. 180 00:08:56,435 --> 00:08:58,244 Yeah! Down with the Spend-o-crats! 181 00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,509 We are Marshall! 182 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:04,611 And now, it's my privilege to introduce another regular, blue-collar guy, 183 00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:08,385 our Quahog chapter spokesman, Joe Workingman! 184 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,926 Good afternoon, friends and socioeconomic equals! 185 00:09:15,187 --> 00:09:17,360 Is anyone else out there sick of government crap? 186 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:21,394 Oh, my God. It's like he's saying everything I'm listening to. 187 00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,870 That's right. The government wants to tell you what foods to eat. 188 00:09:26,599 --> 00:09:28,010 And what church you can go to. 189 00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,975 And that you can't own a chimpanzee because you're not responsible enough. 190 00:09:34,674 --> 00:09:35,675 I would feed it! 191 00:09:36,008 --> 00:09:39,217 Also, the government wants to tell you how many children you can have. 192 00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:41,049 What? No! 193 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:44,558 And the government wants to tell you you can't throw your old TVs into the river. 194 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,361 Then how I supposed to find TV? 195 00:09:47,653 --> 00:09:50,862 If you join the Tea Party, together, we can fix all that. 196 00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:53,164 But you probably don't wanna join the Tea Party 197 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:56,934 because all you get are these stupid, awesome key chains! 198 00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:01,240 Oh, my God, it's the keychain from the dream! 199 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,606 I gotta say that guy made a lot of sense. 200 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:09,243 He sure did. The governmenfs really gotten out of hand. 201 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,252 Yeah, those bastards have ruined everything. 202 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:12,379 The same way the Village People 203 00:10:12,478 --> 00:10:15,618 ruined any gathering ofa cop, an Indian chief and a construction worker. 204 00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:18,820 Oh, my God, can we get a picture with you guys? 205 00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,056 We're not those guys. 206 00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:23,065 Yes, please leave us alone. We're very busy. 207 00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,101 Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. 208 00:10:25,324 --> 00:10:29,329 We've gotta solve that security problem for the Indian casino we're constructing. 209 00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,969 Hey, you guys want to head to the Clam? 210 00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:33,043 I'll catch up with you. I got to hit the john. 211 00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:42,980 Hey, buddy, is there a bathroom around here, or a second floor window? 212 00:10:43,075 --> 00:10:45,715 - Carter? - Oh, hey. 213 00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:47,685 You're involved with the Tea Party? 214 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,386 Wait a minute. This is what Brian was warning me about, 215 00:10:50,516 --> 00:10:53,429 that the Tea Party is run by rich guys who are only out for themselves. 216 00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:57,126 Brian? You mean that arrogant, unemployed dog of yours? 217 00:10:57,223 --> 00:11:00,932 Peter, he's just one of those liberal elites who spreads lies and hates patriots. 218 00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,198 Yeah, he kind of is. 219 00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:05,537 You and I are both businessmen who work hard and pay taxes. 220 00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:07,838 Except that I make 10,000 times what you make. 221 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:09,435 Yeah, we're the same, you and me. 222 00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:12,682 You know, Peter, the truth is, I could actually use a regular guy like you 223 00:11:12,772 --> 00:11:14,183 to help get our message out, 224 00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:16,979 and I know Joe Workingman agrees with me. 225 00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,754 Love to have you on board, Peter. 226 00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,720 Wow, thanks, Joe. You can count on me. 227 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,793 Oh, Carter, you just missed Joe Workingman. 228 00:11:23,883 --> 00:11:27,057 Oh, I think he'll know I was here. 229 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,074 I'm not sure what's happening. 230 00:11:42,301 --> 00:11:44,247 Oh, hi, Peter. How was your rally? 231 00:11:44,336 --> 00:11:47,215 It was great, and now I know it's the right cause to get behind 232 00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:49,047 'cause a smart guy like your dad is involved. 233 00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:51,352 What? Carter was at the Tea Party rally? 234 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,684 Yeah, he was running the whole thing. 235 00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:54,587 Peter, what did I tell you about rich guys? 236 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:57,661 Look, I know what you're thinking, Brian, but don't worry, it's all okay. 237 00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,356 Turns out you're the enemy. They're the ones who are on our side. 238 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:04,629 Oh, of course, Carter Pewterschmidt, an industrialist with oil refineries in this city, 239 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:05,702 is on your side. 240 00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:08,499 He wants to get rid of environmental regulations for you. 241 00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:10,096 Brian, he doesn't get sarcasm. 242 00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,301 No, it's notjust environmental regulations, Brian. 243 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,242 Carter wants to get rid of the whole city government of Quahog. 244 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,905 He even put me in charge of the PR campaign to do it. 245 00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,380 Get rid of the government? 246 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:22,078 Peter, if I know my dad, he's probably using you. 247 00:12:22,274 --> 00:12:24,015 Lois, I'm so glad you're done with the dishes 248 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:25,851 so that you can hang out and chime in on this. 249 00:12:25,978 --> 00:12:27,980 Actually, Peter, I haven't done the dishes. 250 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,252 Oh, you haven't? 251 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,119 - Well, then, I'm confused. - Oh, he does get sarcasm. 252 00:12:35,721 --> 00:12:38,395 All right, now, remember, the Tea Party is a grassroots movement. 253 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,128 We're not covered by the lame-stream media, 254 00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:43,400 so we got to reach out to the common man individually. 255 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,634 Right, common man. 256 00:12:46,832 --> 00:12:49,836 Hello? - Oh, geez, it's a girl. 257 00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,509 May I speak to the man of the house? 258 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:55,916 This is the woman of the house, and there is no man living here. 259 00:12:56,008 --> 00:12:59,956 No? What is... I... How are you paying for this phone? 260 00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:01,820 I'm a lawyer. 261 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,793 Oh, I see, and are you in your little courthouse right now, representing Barbie? 262 00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:09,088 Okay, one vote for the Tea Party. 263 00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,997 All right, kiss government goodbye. 264 00:13:11,090 --> 00:13:13,570 Yeah, I can't wait to fire all them city employees, 265 00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:16,071 starting with that half-asleep construction worker. 266 00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:25,480 What the hell? Which one is it? Stop or go forward? 267 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:28,877 This is a big deal. They're not at all similar. 268 00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,619 Ah, no, no, no, no. You, sir, have lost my business. 269 00:14:01,907 --> 00:14:04,410 People, please, first things first. 270 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,457 Is there anyone here for the couch off of Craigslist? 271 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,026 - I am. - Oh, good, come on in. 272 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:17,626 - That is the picture from Craigslist. - No way it is. 273 00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:20,101 - It is. - No way it is. 274 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,769 All right, what do the rest of you want? 275 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,899 We want the city government shut down. 276 00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:30,644 Oh, I see. And all of you feel the same way? 277 00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:32,146 Yes! No! 278 00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:33,774 Yes! 279 00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:38,818 Well, I'm nothing if not a public servant, and the public has made its feelings known. 280 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:43,120 I hereby declare Quahog's city government disbanded. 281 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:50,431 It has been my pleasure to serve you, and now I take my leave. 282 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,068 This column is mine. I brought it from home. 283 00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:03,242 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 284 00:15:03,335 --> 00:15:06,407 Our top story, Quahog is now completely government-free, 285 00:15:06,772 --> 00:15:09,582 which means I'm free of all broadcast regulations. 286 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,086 So no more trips to the bathroom for this reporter, 287 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:14,451 just a big-ass coffee can under the desk. 288 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,063 Hello, family. 289 00:15:21,153 --> 00:15:23,030 Peter, what the hell were you doing out there? 290 00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:25,566 You know, for years I've been sick of taking the roads home, 291 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:28,332 so today I took the yards. Didn't hit one light. 292 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,572 Man, getting rid of the government 293 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,142 has been the best thing to happen around here in a long time. 294 00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,935 That's right. Without government, I'm free to take a lot of mescaline 295 00:15:36,035 --> 00:15:37,275 and drive to Vegas. 296 00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:43,586 Wait till you see Debbie Reynolds on stage. 297 00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:47,447 Yeah, and now my Spanish teacher and I can finally hold hands in the halls. 298 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,158 Meg, d�nde esta la biblioteca? 299 00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,929 Because I'm going to bang you in the bibliateca. 300 00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:54,957 Well, I'm glad you're all enjoying your freedom, 301 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:56,727 but have you taken a look out the window lately? 302 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,902 - What is that? - Where's all that smoke coming from? 303 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:05,100 The Pewterschmidt Industries refinery, and it's not smoke. 304 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,799 It's a giant cloud of pollution. 305 00:16:07,232 --> 00:16:11,146 Oh, my God. If that gets past the bad neighborhoods and reaches us, 306 00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,943 that's going to be a big problem. 307 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,984 They can't do that. We should report them. 308 00:16:15,074 --> 00:16:16,348 To who? There's no government. 309 00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,321 Then it's up to us, the people, to find a solution. 310 00:16:19,411 --> 00:16:20,685 Close the curtains. 311 00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:22,824 Tea Party. 312 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:25,225 Damn it, this is what I was afraid was going to happen. 313 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,263 This town is going to go to hell. 314 00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:30,930 I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. 315 00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:34,535 I'm glad we waited. 316 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:42,167 Giraffity. 317 00:16:42,267 --> 00:16:43,473 Yeah, see, that's not mine. 318 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,543 Hey, Mort, what gives with the blond hair? 319 00:16:46,638 --> 00:16:47,616 Yeah, you look weird like that. 320 00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:50,854 Historically, in instances of mass lawlessness, 321 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,183 the first thing they do is round up the Jews. 322 00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:56,886 Excuse me, fellow Aryan, have you seen any Jews around? 323 00:16:56,982 --> 00:16:57,960 Is there a reward? 324 00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,257 Wait a minute. Are you Jewish? 325 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,490 I mean, unashamed locker room nudity? 326 00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:04,759 This guy's kosher. 327 00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,199 - Oops. - Let's get him! 328 00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,706 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 329 00:17:12,798 --> 00:17:17,110 It's day five of the new government-less Quahog, and I'm wearing a T-shirt. 330 00:17:17,603 --> 00:17:20,743 Tom, I don't think the government was requiring you to wear a suit. 331 00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:23,376 Well, they were stopping me from punching you in the face. 332 00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:24,681 Is that what you want? 333 00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,547 No, you know what? You know what? Give me your wallet. 334 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:27,623 - What? - You heard me. 335 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,420 I said, "Give me your wallet." 336 00:17:30,449 --> 00:17:32,759 This is a crappy wallet. You have bad stuff. 337 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,761 What the hell? Lois, the TV went off again. 338 00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,493 It's the electricity, Peter. 339 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:41,161 There are power lines down, and there's no one to fix them. 340 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,331 The cops don't come, the toilets don't flush, 341 00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:45,705 and there's garbage piling up in the streets. 342 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,039 Ryan Phillippe's been out there for days. 343 00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:50,070 Would anyone like to be impregnated? 344 00:17:50,602 --> 00:17:52,138 We had a nice town, Peter. 345 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:56,379 I had a nice life, but you and your anti-government buddies ruined it. 346 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,848 Hey, so how's that Tea Party going, huh? 347 00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,150 More like T.P. Party. 348 00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:04,093 Toilet paper. 349 00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,590 I don't know what happened, Brian. 350 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,957 Not having a government worked great in Somalia, 351 00:18:08,053 --> 00:18:10,192 but somehow we seem to have botched it all up. 352 00:18:10,289 --> 00:18:11,791 - Looks that way. - Wait a minute. 353 00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:13,767 - There might be a way out of this. - What? 354 00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:15,530 We just talk to the guy who got us into this. 355 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:17,265 He'll know what to do. 356 00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:32,446 Mr. Pewterschmidt. Mr. Pewterschmidt! 357 00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:33,522 Go away. 358 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,489 But, Mr. Pewterschmidt, you gotta do something. 359 00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,685 The potholes ain't getting fixed no more. 360 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,387 The stoplights ain't working. 361 00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:43,456 Tampon commercials no longer use blue liquids in their demonstrations. 362 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,938 Make it blue. That's always been the deal! 363 00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:50,097 You show whatever you want, but you make it blue! 364 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:51,907 Come on. You got to help us out. 365 00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:52,975 Go to hell. 366 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:54,066 I don't think he's going to help, Peter. 367 00:18:54,166 --> 00:18:56,612 But if rich people aren't looking out for us, who is? 368 00:18:56,702 --> 00:18:58,579 Well, maybe we need to look out for each other. 369 00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:01,617 Come on, Brian. It's time to make this right. 370 00:19:01,707 --> 00:19:04,278 Wait, before you go, take two steps to the left. 371 00:19:05,210 --> 00:19:07,053 Look up. Okay, smile. 372 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,552 Aw, I suck. 373 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:21,532 People of Quahog, I have something to say. 374 00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:25,406 Now that we've freed ourselves from the terrible shackles of government, 375 00:19:25,531 --> 00:19:27,442 it's time to replace it with something better. 376 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:34,306 The first thing we need is a system of rules that everyone must live by. 377 00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,253 Gotta have rules. 378 00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,822 And since we can't spend all our time making rules, 379 00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,586 I think that we should elect some people to represent us, 380 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,991 and they should make rules and choices on our behalf. 381 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,058 Now, this may be kind of expensive, so I got a plan. 382 00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:55,502 Everyone should have to give some money from their salaries each year. 383 00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,301 Poor people will give a little bit of money, 384 00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:59,376 and rich people will give a larger amount of money, 385 00:19:59,464 --> 00:20:01,876 and our representatives will use all that money 386 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:06,074 to hire some people who will then provide us with social order and basic services. 387 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:12,986 Ugh. There's not one shirt I wish I had out there. 388 00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,485 Now, it won't be perfect. 389 00:20:14,613 --> 00:20:17,184 Some of our representatives may end up being bastards. 390 00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:18,283 But you know what? 391 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,886 That's okay, 'cause later we're going to have more elections, 392 00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,523 and we can use those elections to get rid of the bad guys 393 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,965 and replace them with good guys, 394 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,765 and then the system will just keep going on and on, just like that. 395 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,072 So who's with me? 396 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:36,077 Will you join me in trying this new crazy thing? 397 00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,574 Then let's do it. 398 00:20:44,776 --> 00:20:47,450 Yeah, and we did it all without government. 399 00:20:47,813 --> 00:20:49,656 I'm very proud of you, Peter. 400 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,228 Oh, Lois, that means nothing to me. 401 00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:55,889 I only care what they say on the Internet message boards. 402 00:20:57,823 --> 00:20:58,927 Aw!